Each year, high school math teachers patiently await what they consider to be the annual highlight of their sad, shitty lives: Pi Day. This fake holiday falls on March 14thdue to the numerical value of pi rounded to two decimal points, 3.14. The upcoming holiday has mothers of geeks baking at the speed of light in preparation for what has over time turned into a horrific banquet for losers everywhere. This celebration of numbers and a mathematical concept inspires nerds to break free from the social food chain for one day each year, destroying the moral fabric of this great nation.
The reality of nerds climbing the social ladder, even if only for one day, causes a ripple effect that destroys the confidence and morale of popular athletes. When taken out of the spotlight, these jocks lose sight of who they are and our beloved sports teams are subjected to immense hardship. Teams suffer great losses, all thanks to the social scale which ensures that when a nerd’s confidence rises, a jock’s is hindered. This madness that ensues on such a fake holiday must be prevented at all costs, and so I am petitioning a ban on Pi Day this year.
Think about it: the social costs of Pi Day are irreversible and frankly, quite dangerous to us popular kids. The idea that nerds should be able to celebrate their freakish lifestyle choices for one day could potentially enable an uprising among the masses of losers in high schools, colleges, and the real world. It is our responsibility as the in-crowd to save the world from the terrible evil that is intelligent people. Do you want to live in a world where people embrace their love for math and aren’t ashamed of it? If we let Pi Day be celebrated, soon football games will be replaced socially with academic decathlons. Instead of partying on Friday nights, we all will be forced to stay inside and study for our upcoming exams. We cannot let this happen!
Not only are our social lives at risk here, but Pi Day also has athletes suffering from severe anxiety. The imminent approach of the holiday this year has college athletes around the nation shuttering in fear of the strange actions of nerds on each Pi Day. Athletes have sworn in solidarity to wear the most flattering color, black, and hide at the gym or at GNC, where they will be safe from harm.
One anonymous UW-Madison football player recalled his experience on a past Pi Day, stating, “I still remember the stampede of geeks in my high school hallway three years ago. They broke lights, threw pies everywhere…one of them even bit me. It was pure chaos.”
A teammate added, “Do these nerds realize how bullied and degraded we feel on Pi Day? They have no idea what it’s like to be put down because of their personalities. It really hurts.”
If we do not put our foot down, this holiday will wreak havoc on not only our campus, but the world as we know it. We need to band together against the mathematically inclined and enforce the social food chain we all know and love. I petition that all students wear black this Wednesday, March 14th, in solidarity with athletes and popular kids everywhere. Wednesday is also National Learn About Butterflies Day, so it is strongly encouraged to wear any form of butterfly apparel in public as well. Stay strong, everyone… but stay weak, nerds.