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Op-Ed: Real Men Eat Candy Corn

Every year it’s the same debate; which piece of sugary shit is the best to eat for Halloween? Twizzlers, Tootsie Pops, Nerds, countless others: all bull shit. They are coward food. That is what people from Edgewood eat, if you catch my drift.

If you want to be a real badger, you eat the real food of the season: candy corn. Candy corn is God’s last gift to this season of sin we call a fall semester. Candy corn was named after real corn, which is what men eat. If you are a real man you should be willing to just gnaw on a corn stalk for your nutrients, not cook it like a city slicker. After you do that to real corn, candy corn’s a goddamn walk in the park. And real men like to walk in parks, because they hate being inside.

“But we wanna eat food that tastes good,” you all whine.

BULLSHIT!!! All life is pain, eat a food that reflects that, you cowards. You think eating goddamn Hershey's will make up for the fact you had to blow your TA to pass your last final? Hell no it won't! 

When you wake up in a gutter after Freakfest with the taste of shame and disappointment in your mouth, do you think some weak shit like fun dip is gonna clear that out? No way, you need real man shit, and real man shit is candy corn. 

So next time some greasy headed Gophers fan offers you bullshit candy, like fucking Mounds, you tell them “hell no!”. Just like how you lied and said you wouldn’t do drugs in college. So shut up, sit down, study for midterms cause you know you need to, and eat some fucking candy corn.


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