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Op-Ed: SuccessWorks: Too Much ESS, Not Enough SUCC

We all know SuccessWorks, it's just like drinking water. Everyone says it's a good idea and helpful, but only real virgins go and do it. Well, I have figured out what's wrong with SuccessWorks and how to make it cool. Their mock interviews and “networking” is bullshit, that’s like someone whose favorite color is fucking beige. They need to take a hint from their business major brethren and do some shit that won’t make people debate putting a pencil through their eye. Bring in some alcohol, throw a party. Succ is in your name, you might as well use it, dumbasses. Besides, nothing will get you up the corporate ladder faster than incriminating photos of the HR boss trying to ask out a copying machine cause they’re 12 claws down.

All I'm saying is right now SuccessWorks is big on playing it safe, taking notes with a highlighter and bullshit like that. But who fucking does that? Nerds, that's who. All those virgins who put that much effort into their classes don’t need SuccessWorks, they have resumes that actually fill up a page. You know who needs SuccessWorks? Me, motherfucking I do man. Because apparently taking a belly shot off your one friend who thinks showering is “an opinion” without gagging is not considered a marketable skill, even though that succ level is off the charts. Jobs are run by idiots with no respect for the succ. They shouldn’t call themselves SuccessWorks if they are gonna diss it like that, call it JobForLosersWorks or something equally bullshitty and professional.

So I get it that I should probably use SuccessWorks, but until they get at least one cat stoned off its balls on catnip to put in their office, I won’t set a foot in their pastel and non-aggressive colored doors.


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