I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the UW-Madison campus is officially a police state. We are constantly being watched – but by who you ask?
They use their cute exterior and the crushing loneliness of living where the sun doesn’t shine to get us to accept them into our lives and our mealtimes, and then they sell us out to the deep state, just like the USDA.
Last month I was walking home from a Shroom Sesh at Steenies, that's what me and my friends call it when we trip balls in Steenbock's basement. Anyways, as I was walking home my shoelaces whispered to me that I was being followed. I looked around and what did I see but a GODDAMN SNACKBOT. When I looked at it, it stopped rolling and tried to act all innocent. I knew better, I have seen the sin in its cold metal heart. You won’t fool me, Starship!
The SnackBot followed me all the way back to my dorm, where someone else came out to meet it – no doubt the handler it was snitching to! I might not have been able to see 3 feet in front of me, but I could see through the lies this bot was trying to spread. The question is what information was it gathering on me? What will the government do with the knowledge I cry at least 5 times a day and my mom keeps leaving me on read? I don’t know but I’m sure it's something nefarious.
We have to fight back against this corporate police state. We can’t let Bloomberg win! I started the resistance by personally wrestling my oppressor to the ground and shitting in its food hold. It can’t maintain its cover as a “working-class hero” when it delivers shit to students. The message has been sent, rise fellow students and fight back against the Snackbots that are watching your every move. Get your food delivered to you by fellow humans making less than minimum wage, it is the ethical thing to do!