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Op-Ed: Who Cares About Jesus, I Can Leave Right After Getting Nailed Too

It’s that time of year again. Every spring, old people start bitching and moaning about some Jesus guy, and how he's “so great” and “literally God.” Well I’ve had it. I will be silenced no more, Jesus was just a bum.

First off, I’ve met his homies, and they are a bunch of dicks. They’re the type to kiss each other on the mouth and go “no homo Judas” like the cunts they are. Don’t even get me started on the whole ”water into wine” bullshit. Just admit you were day drinking and go to rehab goddamn it!

Secondly, what's with all that “he died for your sins'' bullshit? Fuck you, those are my sins, and I want them back. I earned my big horned BDSM daddy fair and square, and you can’t fuckin have him.

But what really gets me is how everyone acts like it’s such a big deal he could get up and leave three days after he got nailed. Three days? It took him three fucking days to get out of a one night stand? Fuck, why aren’t people worshipping me? I get out of there so quick I have my headphones in and youtube up while we are still doing doggystyle. I’m slipping my shoes on the moment I orgasm. But no, we all gotta worship this long haired simp that spends 3 days on pillow talk cause he doesn’t know how to abandon women like a real man.

Fuck Jesus. King of Kings my skinny white ass.


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