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Op-Ed: Why Line Go Down?

The pandemic is here folks, and it’s gonna wreak absolute havoc on my stock portfolio! People’s investments are going to be absolutely decimated by this whole situation as we’re forced to come to the unholy conclusion that the worst has happened: the line has gone down. Yes, the holy line in all of its beauty is going down. DOW, NASDAQ, Apple- all of these big, beautiful lines go down. Why they go down? Lines go down because the liberals have forced us into COMMUNIST, FASCIST quarantines. Like, so what, a few of the poors die a horrible death, we need to get the line up!

I’m not saying we all need to sacrifice out grandparents to the great and terrible power of LINE… but some of us do. The truth is that if line keep going down, then I can’t go to the Maldives this summer, and that’s the real tragedy. All of these poor, poor investment bankers are watching their futures go down the drain. At least the poor and the old get to die… I don’t want to live in a world where we can’t have constant, exponential economic growth.

It’s a simple equation folks: line = good, so when line high, economy = good. It doesn’t take a degree from Oxford (which is what my daddy paid for me to have) to tell you that. We’re moving towards a world where tenants aren’t paying their rent? And the poors are demanding safety masks? The end times are truly upon us. If we just kept the line moving up none of this would’ve happened. If the markets get worse, we’re gonna have to deal with the horror of home prices dropping. I know I sure don’t want poor people to buy homes!

How can I get you whiny libs to understand? You need to sacrifice yourselves for the good of our death cult! I didn’t fly on Epstein’s plane 10 times and pay off politicians for decades to watch the working class achieve class-consciousness. Go back to work, you got your 1200 dollars, what more could you possibly want from us? 


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