MADISON - In an exclusive interview, English Professor Leonard Worthington blasted his students’ midterm grades despite being unable to open a PDF containing his most recent cable bill.
“By this point in the semester, you would think these students could read a 600-page book overnight and write a 10-page paper about how Holden Caulfield, John Steinbeck, and Sun Tzu are all the same person,” Dr. Worthington told the Misnomer. “I’m just really disappointed in this midterm’s performance.”
The Misnomer asked about the importance of Worthington’s introductory English class to students’ overall education. “These students need to understand why it’s so important to write thought-provoking essays about classical literature. It’s truly their loss,” lamented Dr. Worthington, as he sat in front of his bookshelf wall filled with the thousands of books he has assured us he has read. “I mean, I wake up at night wondering whether the green light in The Great Gatsby could have prevented Charlotte Bronté’s death.”
Suddenly during the interview, Worthington received a telephone call on his Nokia brick informing him that he had a cable bill in his e-mail inbox. The Misnomer observed as Worthington booted up his 1999 Compaq Deskpro, still running Windows 97 (the “latest new-fangled thing,” he assured us).
Worthington shuffled the pointer across the screen, and patiently waited five minutes for Outlook to load. “Ah, so I found the electronic mail. How do I find the bill?” Our handy journalists assisted Dr. Worthington sift through his inbox with 27,421 unread e-mails. Worthington replied, “Alright, so I have found the bill, but when I click it, all I see is a bunch of folder pictures! Where’s my bill?!” Ultimately, he was observed moving the System32 folder to the Recycle Bin, destroying his computer.