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Quarantine? More like Fuck Vacation!

Beyond the incalculable amounts of death and loss, untold damage to the global economy, and gradual creep of fascism into our everyday lives, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought many Americans in direct contact with a truly horrific concept: spending time with their significant others. Two weeks face to face with only your significant other is a daunting task, there are only so many TikTok challenges and sourdough bread recipes a couple can try before there’s a double homicide. What’s the best way to deal with the creeping feeling that you’re just not right for each other while stuck in the same studio apartment? Just fuck the emotions away!

Sex has long been a way for struggling couples to ignore their problems for at least thirty seconds, and the current pandemic is no exception. Will the feelings come creeping back as soon as he finishes? Almost certainly, but will those few brief minutes make time a little more bearable? Probably. Plus you’ll both finally get a break from making awkward small talk about “just how crazy everything has been”.

Whether your partner is an obsessive gamer, pretentious craft beer guy, or a compulsive liar, spending every waking hour with them for the past few months has definitely confirmed their worst flaws. But mid coitus, you can completely forget all of their glaring flaws and focus on both of your mediocre and out of shape bodies for at least a few minutes. Just mute that zoom call and fuck until you’re too tired to question why you two decided to move in together in the first place.

Let’s face it, you’re both getting tired of watching Friends reruns and baking banana bread, so just remember why you started dating in the first place: to have an emotional doormat and secure, mediocre sex. Have at it you sad, sad motherfuckers!


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