Turns out even your professors aren’t impervious to arguments about whose WiFi is shittier. But we’ve got a few tips for you that go beyond stellar audio quality and a crystal-clear webcam.
Set-Up
Your cartoon character profile pic isn’t cute. It’s weird. Better stick to the default profile picture. This dark mysterious image can make you come across as intriguing and sexy.
If your camera must be on, aim it up so you don’t have to clean your room. Better yet, capture only your forehead: it’s the best front-facing camera angle no one talks about. Keep your shirtless roommates out of frame, unless they are ugly enough that you shine by comparison.
Common Situations
If an instructor asks you to express your feelings via emoji, take them up on it. I mean, really tell a story. For example: 📆 🛌 🧑🚒🍆🤕 🏃♀️💇♀️👩⚖️📃💔👩❤️💋👨💔⁉️🍑🍱🥂🧱🚑💉🚽🚕🇨🇦
The best way to cope with your professor’s email chime is to screech like a chimpanzee immediately after. Give them a taste of their own medicine.
Does watching your TA bore you to tears? Cry during discussion section. Sure, students cry in-person all the time, but when it’s audio-only, it’s a power move. Is that my mic rustling or the sound of heaving sobs? Your classmates will thank you, fear you, or both.
If you accidentally launched into a tirade with your mic muted, wait at least 30 seconds before correcting it by turning it on and continuing full-throttle as if nothing happened. If someone else started speaking in the meantime, don’t stop. Chances are they will, and you need to make this BBCollab session your bitch.
After you fart, make sure your mic was muted. If it wasn’t, have a bag of chips ready to crumple for an instantaneous distraction. If you’re really desperate, just say “oops! Thought this was my niche OnlyFans!”
Is your crush gazing at you intensely or trying to figure out the fucking whiteboard feature? Shoot your shot by sliding into your classmate’s private chat. BBCollab is Zoom and Tinder rolled into one. Possible first messages:
Our TA’s incessantly meowing cat is almost as cute as you.
Do you hear the prof’s phone ringing? If I had your number, I could call you like that…
Hey, did you hear the last 45 minutes of class? I just realized the session wasn’t being recorded.