Shit Just Hit the Pledge: AEPI Shocked that Hazing is a Crime

Madison - Researchers on campus have been testing a theory for decades that some humans may find a distinct kinship to their primate ancestors. Eventually, the associated research was deemed as inconclusive and funding cut prematurely, but one fateful night on Langdon St. Madison reignited this idea with the event of the feces throwing fraternity hazing.

Aepoop, formerly known as Alpha Epsilon Pi, is a non-university affiliated fraternity cut off due to their other monkey-related crimes a decade ago. So what will this highly accredited fraternity chapter do to get back in the University’s good graces? Their answer was more crimes.

It all started during rush week, where somehow the fraternity’s rush chair didn’t realize that one of their bid’s top hat and fake moustache were not "eclectic style” but actually the props of an undercover officer who was definitely not looking to drink on the job just a little before things got too out of hand. When asked why said officer did not bust the frat operations the second they pulled out the Budweiser case, he provided no conclusive comment, besides that he was waiting for “shit to get out of hand.”

Conveniently when the national chapter dropped an instagram post about the dangers of hazing, the defunct local chapter decided to really make an artistic impression on the Madison community with a night full of laxative lap ups, feces throwing, and of course the classic aggravated assault against barely adult pledges. Truly a staple performance piece that metaphorically raised the University’s status from #8 nationally to #2.

Shockingly, this led to various arrests that night, because despite what some fraternities want you to believe, beating people shitless is in fact illegal. We’re still waiting on the law student we held hostage to remark on the legality of feces throwing, but the general consensus is that it remains a crime against the five senses and one’s gag reflexes. 

AEPi seems to think differently, however, as one statement from their now-private Instagram reads that “AEPi has been shit throwing since time in memoriam.” and “It’s just part of Greek life, bro.” We set up an interview to talk to the fraternity members to get a more concise statement in regards to this mindset, but they came back too shitfaced to give any semblance of legible syntax.

UW-Madison has a long history of Greek life, spanning over one hundred years, but September 23rd, 2026 will stand out as a night to remember as the evening the “town was washed brown”, alongside the scientific conclusion that yes, some of us really do feel a deep connection to our shit-flinging primate cousins.