Engineering majors are perhaps some of the most reclusive mammals on the Earth, seeing an average of about 10 hours of sunlight per year. Despite their reclusivity, research by Project Engineering Enterprise (PEE) has yielded some amazing new discoveries on these creatures – namely the striking similarities between engineering majors and Chinchillas.
Chinchillas are small rodents native to the Andes mountains of South America. Being nocturnal, they are most active during the night. This most recent study has shown that Engineering majors behave similarly and enjoy staying up all night playing video games like League of Legends or browsing the social media site Reddit. Like engineering majors, chinchillas will use this time to scavenge for food, but instead of searching for Cheetos and Mountain Dew, chinchillas eat a variety of different plants.
On the rare occasion that an engineering major is spotted in the wild, males are easily recognized by their abundance of body hair. Often going unseen, engineering majors do not typically spend much time grooming themselves, allowing their hair to grow out. Tests on engineering student’s hair reveal extremely high concentrations of oil, dirt, and dander. While chinchillas' hair is not typically oily, the oils produced by chinchillas’ can make their hair oily if they don’t bathe. Much like the engineering major, chinchillas are also easily recognized by their fur, which is incredibly soft and dense and give them their rotund appearance. The same is true for engineering majors who, despite common beliefs, will actually spend more time touching grass than showering.
In nature, chinchillas take dust baths to clean their fur and help counter their natural oils, with the naturally arid climate of the Andes creating a dusty environment that allows them to bathe in the wild. Domesticated chinchillas also take dust baths. Chinchillas do not bathe in water, as water can give them extreme skin irradiation. Much like chinchillas, the study has found, Engineering majors are also extremely allergic to water.
this aversion to water has led to some close calls as students attempt to pull pranks on engineering students here at UW Madison. As has been recorded with the recent flooding of engineering Hall, upon contact with water an engineering major will start to visibly spasm and shriek. This behavior has been exemplified by the spouting expletives and complaints about losing their “gamer tang”. The musk of an engineering major is consequently rather atrocious with several scholars attempting to describe the smell; most vomit upon getting too close to the engineering major. One scholar even had his olfactory bulb removed so that there was no chance that he would ever have to smell the engineering major again. After protests from the public, engineering majors have taken to spraying copious amounts of Axe body spray on themselves whenever they are in public areas in order to cover up their scent. Alas for all parties this is a rather poor solution as the smell of Axe body spray is only slightly better than gamer tang, and doesn’t completely cover up the engineering major’s stank.
With further research into the elusive engineering major, additional similarities may become more apparent. In a statement released last Monday, PEE announced that they are dedicated to researching the engineering major and will continue to research them once researchers’ noses recover.
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