The 7 Best Things to Say To Your Girlfriend’s Dad At Thanksgiving

Another year, another Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: tables filled with turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, in an attempt to get us to forget the brutal genocide of Native Americans it took to create this country. While the official theme of Thanksgiving is to be grateful, we know that many of you are looking to make a good impression with your girlfriend’s family, and can’t even pretend to care about having thanks for your privilege. We at the Misnomer know how truly important a first impression is though, and so we’ve compiled a list of the top seven things you should say to your girlfriend’s dad this Thanksgiving that are bound not only to impress him, but delight and regale him with your intellect and kindness.

1. Well I see where your daughter gets her good grip from.

The handshake might as well be the most pivotal part of the meeting. Make solid eye contact, and give a firm handshake. Don’t let go before he does, even if it means you’re stuck shaking hands for almost a minute straight. Complimenting his (and his daughter’s) tremendous grip is a great way to settle any nerves, but it’ll help you both feel more relaxed with the fact that you’re sleeping with his daughter. Well, it’ll help you at least.

2. Thank you for your service!

Make sure to stand up for this one. Really get into it, stand up as straight as you can, and give a huge salute as you thank him for defending our great country. Even if you’re not sure if he’s a veteran. He probably was. Just make sure he knows how important his potential service was to this country.

3. Wow, I didn’t know you guys were, impoverished.

There’s no shame in being down on your luck, but there is in not pointing it out. How else would they learn to be less destitute for next year? Do this regardless of how nice their house is, you’re better than them, remember that. Really push on this one, at least until her mom starts crying. Maybe you can help them organize their finances with your Bachelor of Arts in Communications and Political Science.

4. So, how about that Israel huh?

Ease any tension that might have been forming over the past hour or so by talking about the Middle East. Because what tension hasn’t been resolved by discussing genocide? Ignore your girlfriend as you drink more of her dad’s’ beer that he didn’t offer you, and keep enforcing the fact that you’re all for a “Free Palisade”, because your rent is way too much there already.

5. What sex position did you guys conceive in?

I mean, who doesn’t want to know the answer to this one? I’m sure your girlfriend and her siblings have always been curious too. Let them know that you’re only asking because you want to try it out and see if it works or if they just got lucky. Accompany it with the “World’s Greatest Grandpa” mug you got him, so he knows how much you care.

6. Who’s your favorite person on the Epstein List?

No better way to get on his good side than to talk about politics, right? Tell him that no matter who he picks, you think that everybody who went to his island was just there on business, and obviously wouldn’t do anything illegal. Regardless of who he picks, make sure that you say your favorite is Jeffrey Epstein, and that you see a lot of similarities between him and your girlfriend’s father, and that they’re both your greatest role models.

7. The N-Word

When all else fails, just start yelling the N-Word. Her dad will respect your bravery and tenacity, and hell, he might even join you. Her grandpa will definitely join you, provided you thanked him for his service earlier too. Keep going until her entire family is yelling at you and each other, or until she kicks you out. Really try and drive a rift between her family, it’s what you’re there for.

So there you have it folks! Thanksgiving is a day of gratefulness and giving back, and how better else could you could treat your girlfriend than by cultivating a strong and deep bond with her parents and family. And remember, if they’re not yelling at you or crying, your bond together isn’t strong enough. Try saying something overly critical of his daughter, or maybe even start talking about how much you want to nail his wife.