Three UW Madison students sent to University Hospital after Cybertruck autopilot goes out of control

In the most recent of a series chaotic displays of the carelessness of drivers and the inability of AI, three students from the University of Wisconsin - Madison found themselves hospitalized yesterday after a Tesla Cybertruck, piloted by an uptight and snobby driver, veered off course and turned the crosswalk at the intersection of State and North Park Street into a gory scene.

The incident began when Zach “Skidmark” Johnson, a sophomore in the Alpha Zeta Omicron fraternity, left his Cybertruck on autopilot while chugging an entire Four Loko. Under the watchful eye of his Pledge Master, Percival “Border Collie” Connor, and two other brothers in the backseat, Skidmark began to drive his abomination of a vehicle around campus. Eyewitnesses reported seeing Skidmark turn left onto University from North Lake, with one hand on his Four Loko, as he urinated out of the open driver’s window, as the Cybertruck careened into a fire hydrant outside Fresh Market, destroying it and flooding nearby students. 

From past Fresh Market, it sped down University at 75 miles per hour, swerving between lanes of traffic, causing a cacophony of honks and yells from some of the other drivers and students on the sidewalk. Most people, however, were distracted by how purely idiotic the car looked, colored bright orange with a large Liberian flag painted on the sides. When asked about the symbolism of the flag by police officers, Skidmark stated “What are you talking about? That’s an American flag. I’ve never even been to Liber. It sounds totally made up.” 

However, for many students, the color and the lack of sensitivity wasn’t the issue. One eyewitness said “I mean, the color was definitely ugly, and the flag was dumb, but what was that car? It sort of looked like a dumpster with wheels? I mean, it was all pointy and looked super clunky, why would you even drive that?” 

After the “vehicle”, if you can call it that, spun onto North Park Street, it knocked over dozens of bikes and bike racks as it sped up, attempting to remain on the road. At this point, Skidmark claims to have increased the speed of the vehicle to 90 miles per hour, as he threw up all over himself in the front seat, while still urinating out of the window, blissfully unaware of the car’s current location.

As the Cybertruck approached the intersection of North Park and State Street, the car’s Autopilot system, with the help of the cameras, detected 3 students in the pedestrian crossing, but it made no attempts to slow down. Reports claim that the car was in “Partying Like A Boss” mode, and as a result was unable to detect the students.  As the car barreled towards the intersection, blasting “FEIN!” by Trippie Redd and Travis Scott with all of its windows down, it collided with three students, as it finally spun out of control and smashed into the side of the Wisconsin Historical Society building. Border Collie and the two other brothers were seen fleeing the Cybertruck after the crash by eyewitnesses, while Skidmark stayed in the car, covered in his own vomit.

Paramedics arrived quickly on scene, and the three students were quickly transported to University Hospital. While none sustained serious injuries, one of the victims said he saw “a big orange toaster” heading straight at him. All three students are currently being treated, and when police arrived on scene, Skidmark stepped out of the smoking wreckage of his car, holding his Four Loko can, half-filled with puke, urinating on a nearby bush, incoherently rambling on about how the car went crazy and how he was just doing it to test out if it worked while you drank. Skidmark was arrested and is now in police custody awaiting trial. When the Madison Police Department was questioned for comment, a UWPD spokesman said “This is by far, the stupidest thing that’s been done on this campus, maybe ever.” 

Chancellor Mnookin also released a statement to all campus students which included the sentiment “Simply put, when the institution takes a point of view on a matter of public concern or controversy, however well intended, it risks crowding out other points of view,” a statement which has now been determined to have been 100% AI.

While we can’t be sure of much else right now, you, dear reader, you can rest assured that this student driver will no longer be terrorizing the streets of Madison. Skidmark’s repairs on his Cybertruck are likely to total up to fifty thousand dollars, and due to the fact that he was unable to acquire insurance on it, he will have to pay out of pocket. But this isn’t the first time that Skidmark has had brushes with the law. In fact, back home in New York, he has been charged with several misdemeanors, including urinating on public property, urinating 100 feet from a school zone, urinating on a police officer, and urinating out of a moving car. However, he has never been jailed, presumably due to the intervention of his father, Gregory Johnson, the District Attorney of the State of New York. 

This headline and post will continue to be updated with additional developments.