Trump Blames YOU for Government Shutdown

As many of you may already know, the United States government has recently shut down. You probably have many pressing concerns, such as “Are they cancelling midterms for this?” and “Will I still be able to daydrink all weekend?” Fear not, sweet and gentle reader, for the Misnomer is here to enlighten you and brighten your day in these dark and uncertain times. The Misnomer reached out to President Trump personally for comment on this situation, and he, in a stunning moment of clarity, spoke to us directly. 

“Well, you see, honestly, and a lot of people are saying this by the way, the problem is those liberal readers of yours, okay! They’re all crazy democrats, totally deranged, I kid you not. First, they shoot my only son,— a terrible thing, really terrible — and now they shut down the government. No other president has ever dealt with anything like this; it’s ridiculous. I mean, when will it end? We’re building this big beautiful ballroom, by the way, in honor of my only son, Kirk, you know, great kid, it's gonna be great. It’s gonna be tremendous, people are gonna love it, believe me…” President Trump eagerly rambled on about the new billion-dollar ballroom that would tower behind the White House, which he aptly referred to several times as the ‘Kirk Dome’. It’s said to be gilded with diamonds exclusively obtained from South African child labor mines, courtesy of Elon Musk, who President Trump recently reconnected with at his son’s funeral. 

Now, readers, you may be thinking, me? What did I do? And the truth is, we’re not entirely sure. President Trump has been touting that he has finally caught the perpetrator behind this “evil and vile Democratic government shutdown”, and apparently, it’s you. So, where do we go from here? Well, as expected, reading the Misnomer or engaging with any of its social media is officially a federal crime, as per the 28th Amendment, which passed through the House and Senate unanimously, as per their meeting last night at 1:34 am, which only members of the Republican Party were permitted to attend.

President Trump, just today, appointed FBI Director Kash Patel to lead a new task force to round up any treasonists in connection with the Misnomer or any of its previous articles. We reached out to Mr. Patel for comment regarding this ongoing development. “Well, we’re looking at pinning the next three or four school shootings on various Misnomer readers, and the rest will be randomly abducted by ICE over the course of the next month or so. We’ve already found and inscribed some bullet casings to leave at the next few shootings, and have operatives ready to deploy them.” Mr. Patel also inquired about the race demographics of the Misnomer readers in an attempt to best match these vile actions to be committed by Misnomer readers to the ideal demographic to incite the greatest amount of fear within the median voter.

So now, dear readers, it is with a heavy heart that we tell you that it’s time to go on the run. Go on, get your fake passport, withdraw all your money from your bank account, and pack a bag. Go somewhere safe and sunny, ideally where there’s no U.S. extradition policy. We’ve heard Afghanistan is really nice this time of year. 

The university, in a show of support, will not issue refunds or returns on any tuition or housing payments. Instead, those funds will be redirected to the U.S. government to support military operations aimed at returning the traitors who’ve read the Misnomer and have fled to non-extradition countries. We’ve been assured that these operations will proceed without granting these treasonists due process, and they will be imprisoned under cruel and unusual punishment.

As for us? Well, after a lengthy yet informative chat with the incredibly talented and extremely beautiful people who work at the White House, the Misnomer would like to announce that we are officially the first newspaper to partner with the White House! Tune in next week for our article “Why President Trump Should Stay In Office Till 2050” and subsequent articles, including “Charlie Kirk: The Kindest and Most Patriotic American To Ever Live” and “Why Immigrants Shouldn’t Have Free Speech or Access to Weapons”. And remember, dear reader, don’t forget to rat out your neighbors to ICE, undocumented or not.