Trump Blows Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei, Conservatives Deny Being Aroused

Just two weeks ago, US and Israeli warplanes streaked across the skies of Iran, launching airstrikes targeting Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. According to multiple sources, Trump did not ask for consent before blowing the Iranian Supreme Leader. House Democrats have criticized the lack of consent in the clearly low-commitment relationship, while House Republicans desperately tried to cover up their rampant erections while watching from their designated chairs in the corner of the room. Trump told reporters that the 86-year old Supreme Leader “was approximately 70 years too old for my taste,” but that the Supreme Leader was “asking for it, dressing like that.” The President further rambled on about how the Supreme Leader deserved to be blown: “The radical left media, they won’t tell you the truth, but I’m telling you, if you’re dressing in a Kevlar vest with that much cleavage, you’re looking for a certain kind of attention. And as I told my pal Jeffery back in the day, it’s very, very provocative when they stop fighting back and just sit there.” 

Trump further complained about the cost of penetrating the Supreme Leader. "Look, I'm telling you, we’re using big toys, the biggest, most powerful, heaviest the world has ever seen. I was telling them to penetrate the Ayatollah, and they told me it costs five million dollars! It's a disgrace, absolutely terrible, that they wouldn’t let me use SNAP funding to pay for it. I asked Pete to test if they were flavored, and he came back and said 'Yes sir, I licked them all, they are all steel flavored.' Can you believe it? For five million dollars, I expected them to have mint, which is a great flavor, the best flavor, maybe in the history of the world, especially to wash out your mouth after blowing another foreign leader. What a disaster!" 

When asked whether Khamenei was the worst man he had ever blown, Trump further railed against Supreme Leader Khamenei, saying: “I’ve blown some bad ones, believe me. But this guy? The worst, maybe in the history of the world, if you want to know. People come up to me and say, 'Sir, is he really that bad?' And I tell them, he's a disaster. Even worse than Bill Clinton, and Bill was not good, let me tell you. Very low energy. At least Maduro likes handcuffs, blindfolds, and being manhandled by big strong men! He's into it, he's an ok guy, and at least he likes it rough. It's unbelievable what's happening.”

Conservatives in the House have been quick to defend Trump’s actions. “I’ve seen the tape,” said one House Republican. “Trump was really asserting his dominance by ordering another man to penetrate someone he couldn’t please himself. What? No, that’s not a 2000 pound bomb in my pocket, I’m just excited to see you.” One House Republican, who declined to give his name out of fear of penetration, told our reporter that he had a massive crush on Trump. “I’m just so turned on by his dominant personality, fucking over our country. As a submissive cuck, I love licking Trump’s boots until they shine.”

Trump made further statements that the late Supreme Leader’s son was looking more and more penetrable. “His father was terrible, just terrible, possibly the worst man ever. This time, I’m going to use ribbed bombs. They’re the best, it’s gonna feel great, so great, possibly the best ever when I explode inside another man. I asked Pete Hegseth, who everybody knows is the most handsome man in the world, if they could make the bombs ribbed for my pleasure. And Pete, who looks so good on his knees, but he said, not for the first time: ‘Anything for you, Mr. President.’ The Iranians, they’re all gonna get blown, they’re gonna get blown by me, and they’re all gonna say: ‘Thank you sir, may I have another?’”

In his latest post on Truth Social, the leader of the free world revealed his BDSM kink: “I love Bombing schools, Destroying schools, Suffering children, and Maximizing CIVILIAN CASUALTIES,” the President posted. “I’m the HARDEST President our Great Nation has ever seen. I’m so hard all the time, even HARDER than Jeffery, who is a great guy, by the way, and you can only win if you’re HARD.”

The new Supreme Leader of Iran, Khamenei, has released a defiant statement that Trump was a disappointment. “His weak ass couldn’t impregnate a particularly ravishing tangerine half,” the Ayatollah stated in a televised broadcast. “Trump watched from his designated chair in the corner of the Situation Room as other men ravaged Iran in order to please his mistress, Netanyahu. The blood of dozens of young women and girls are on Trump’s hands, Iranian or otherwise."