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UN Human Rights Council Holds Emergency Special Session On “Tying Damsels to Train Tracks"



NEW YORK, N.Y. -  An emergency meeting was held in the UN Human Rights Council today after UN investigators discovered that incidents involving damsels being tied to train tracks have jumped a dramatic 1500% in the past month worldwide.  Human rights groups are now scrambling to figure out exactly what is causing this alarming trend, and how to best configure their responses.


Some experts have pointed to the ongoing war in Ukraine as a possible reason for the increase in rail related kidnappings, with nefarious evil doers finding it increasingly difficult and expensive to undertake their devious deeds.  The price of high powered missiles, a popular damsel hostage device, have increased exponentially since the war’s start. Parts that could be used for homemade missiles are also becoming increasingly expensive, which leads some to believe that this is only the beginning for train track carnage.


Misnomer reporters talked with Dr. E. Ville, a supervillain located in Madison, Wisconsin, who’s recent villainous acts include the Capitol Square chalk art and the Culver’s Curdburger.  “It’s a tough time for wicked fiends like us.  Parts for superweapons - far too expensive, and don’t get me started on the price of Uranium 238. I had plans for uh, heh heh heh a BOMB, yes, a big BOMB, but with prices so high and ransoms so low, it’s now nothing but a frightful fancy.”


The issues that rogue wrongdoers face are not merely based in economic tumult however.  A rapidly changing climate means that pits of piranhas and sharks are becoming less and less viable for hostage situations, with eel pits quickly becoming the go to interim solution. However, due to the nature of eels, these mischievous miscreants can no longer expect to receive the ransoms that they once were able to easily secure.


“If you’re a supervillain today you’re really feeling the global turmoil,” said Bart Mann, a senior advisor at the League of Do-Gooders and Heroes. “It seems like the population at large has become rather numb to acts of mass villainy.  After facing a global pandemic and major societal upheaval as a whole, supervillan’s are finding it harder and harder to get a rise out of anyone.  As we see prices rise and ransoms fall, the uptick in life and death situations involving public infrastructure is also to be expected.”


During the UN’s special session the U.S. for its part promised to abolish trains by 2028, although some expect trains to be completely out of the country by 2026.  Whether the U.S. has any plans to abolish the train tracks themselves is still unknown.


However, not all countries were as willing as the U.S. to give up on rail.  A handful of countries including the UK and urrp… France 🤮 have suggested that the increase in damsels being tied to train tracks can actually be attributed to influencers, who are just tying themselves to train tracks to chase TikTok trends. Indeed, there has been a dramatic increase in rail-damsel related content on all of the large social media apps, although most experts are calling this trend a symptom of the increase in the nefarious rail treachery and not a cause.


Yet, despite their growing infamy, Dr. Ville is still not optimistic for the future of baddies.  “I just wish our government would look out for the little globetrotting megalomaniac you know?  I’m afraid that if I have another year like this I’ll be forced to join the Republican party.”


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