MADISON, WI - Although he intended to become a prosecutor, pre-law student Percy Lawrence finds himself on the defense during the first day of his very public trial for an alleged fart.
At 10:40 am on Monday, students in a philosophy lecture noticed the pungent sulfurous smell of a fart wafting through the classroom. Rather than ignoring it, the accused perpetrator of this heinous crime, Lawrence, proclaimed, “Alright! Who ripped a fat one?”
The only response Lawrence received was a pair of handcuffs around his wrists and the declaration of his Miranda rights as he was arrested.
A chemical analysis of the fart was conducted by the UW forensic sciences department, as the case has been turned into a campus-wide learning activity. The report reveals that there was a considerably heavy amount of hydrogen sulfide – the chemical component that makes farts smell. The prosecution – another pre-law student – argued that based on this evidence the overwhelmingly powerful fart was the product of someone who ingested a lot of red meat and protein. After this Lawrence quickly grabbed his protein shake and large ribeye steak and hid it under the table.
Attempts were made to track the acoustics of the fart through the audio of the recording of the philosophy lecture taken by one of Lawrence's classmates for another classmate who was absent due to a bad hangover. However, the quality of the audio was rather poor and no one claimed to have heard the fart at the time of the incident so it is generally believed that the fart was “silent, but deadly” as the prosecution stated.
Lawrence wasn’t going to back down and argued later, “Whoever smelt it, did not necessarily dealt it!”
His flatulent remark is obviously a twist on the old adage established in the famous court case from 1979: Fatus v Flatus.
Lawrence would even go on the offensive in the case by declaring he thought the true fart-spewer was Sheila Smelia, but as the prosecution pointed out, girls don’t fart so it couldn’t have been her.
If convicted, Lawrence could face up to 625 years in prison and a fine of $24.05 for one count of domestic terrorism, 26 counts of reckless endangerment, and one count of ripping ass.
While the court of law remains divided, the court of public opinion seems to have chosen its side, and it doesn't look good for Lawrence, who has been placed under witness protection following multiple alleged attempts on his life. Some experts just think he’s being a big baby, but what do they know?
The trial is currently being live streamed on YouTube, Twitch, Tik Tok live, and other live streaming services with viewership over 3 people at its peak. With the second day set to start at 9:00 am tomorrow, the trial is expected to draw in over 400,000 viewers across all platforms.
Regardless of the outcome, the trial will undoubtedly become a monumental case in the history of law and will surely set a precedent for cases of this nature to come with the trial potentially moving to the Supreme Court.
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