“Why Do People Keep Asking if I’m Irish” Says Actual Real Life Leprechaun

MADISON, WI - This Saint Patrick's Day many leprechauns will emerge from the gutters, and we decided to interview one to help inform citizens about these little tricksters. In order to secure an interview, we placed a pot of gold outside of the Gender and Sexuality Campus Center (GSCC) with a potato sack at the ready to catch one of those little Irish redheads. After a few minutes of waiting we saw one of those redheaded buggers approach the pot of gold giving us the perfect chance to spring our leprechaun trap. After a few minutes of frantic screaming and resistance, we managed to drag the leprechaun to our interview room/broom closet in the Red Gym. Once we properly secured our interviewee to prevent any escape, we removed the potato sack, revealing the leprechaun's red beard and signature green clothing. Finally it was time to begin the interview.

“What's your full legal name?”

“Ch-ch-charlie McLaughlin, please don’t hurt me.” As you can see by his last name, we caught a leprechaun that loves to laugh! 

“Now, why were you getting your little hands in our pot of gold? Don’t you have your own?”

“What? No? Look I just really need the money, rent has gotten really expensive and tuition is going up, please let me go.” 

Oh those Greedy little green socialist! Always wanting that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. At this point McLaughlin decided to struggle against the ropes we tied him up with, we made sure to give them a good wack with shillelagh, there’s no leaving an interview early!

“Now, where in Ireland are you from?” Our interviewer asked, brandishing the shillelagh to ensure a speedy answer! 

“Oh god, I’m from Green Bay, look if it's money you want I really don’t have anything, can you please let me go I’m supposed to go to a bar with some friends soon.” Oh those Irish, always wanting a good old pint of Guinness!

“Okay, you can go as soon as you grant my wish by telling our readers a leprechaun secret!”

“Do you idiots thing I’m a fucking leprechaun?! Look, leprechauns are mythical creatures (not real). I know I got red hair and I support the Irish Republican Army, but I’ve never even been to Ireland. Now please, my boyfriend is going to freak out if I’m not home tonight.”

Seems our leprechaun is a little defensive. Did you know that there are no female leprechauns? And that while loving pots of gold, they also make great shoes! 

“Now that's not a leprechaun secret!” Our reporter joyfully yelled.

“Um, yes…yes it is! Uh…because uh, you learned that I have a boyfriend! A…uh…a leprechaun boyfriend…yah….” Oh No! McLaughlin managed to trick his way through our words. Seeing that the leprechaun had bested us, we agreed to let him go, but we promised that we would catch him again next St.Patrick's Day! 

We hope that through this interview you have been able to learn more about these magical creatures! Be sure to keep an eye out for any sneaky leprechauns this patty’s day, whether you're bar crawling or wearing your best green fit, we hope you're lucky enough to meet your very own leprechaun.