Time to do something that no one wants to do: think about their fathers having sex. But we aren’t just talking about your everyday couch potato fathers. We’re taking it one step further and thinking about the fathers of the nation, our Presidents. Now, when we usually think of our presidents, we see them as regal, measured, and a bit eccentric, but there are definitely some exceptions to that. That’s why today, we’re counting down the top ten presidents that are definitely bottoms.
10. Barack Obama
That’s right, our beloved chill president is on this list. Fear not, it’s not because of who he was, but it’s because of his wife. I mean, have you seen Michelle’s arms?! Not to mention how well her book did. That woman knows what she wants and how to get it. There’s absolutely no chance that she lets Barack be on top, and honestly, no one is surprised.
9. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
FDR was honestly one of the better presidents in our history. His public work projects lifted us out of the Great Depression, he helped impoverished communities get back on track, and he guided us through most of WWII. That being said, man also had polio so he straight-up couldn’t use his legs. This prevents him from ever being considered a top, and despite his “big dick” behavior, it earns him a spot on this list.
8. William H Taft
Like FDR before him, William H Taft has a stellar history when it comes to a track record of not being a beta. He was mainly known for his extensive “trust-busting” pastime in which he’d break entire monopolies with just one smack of his massive peen. To be honest, he was a total fucking chad; the only problem was he was 350 pounds. This was fucking massive at the time, and he had to get a specially-made bathtub installed because he got stuck in the last one. So, needless to say, the man preferred to be a bottom as to not crush whoever was underneath him. That being said, that man was a power bottom, but a bottom is still a bottom and he’s on here for a reason.
7. Millard Fillmore
Honestly, no one knows who this is. He’s like the 13th president, so like honestly who cares. I’m just putting him on this list simply because of his name. There’s no way that a man named Millard can be anything but a bottom.
6. James Buchanan
Next up is the reason Mayor Pete never would have been the “First Gay President.” James Buchanan has become famous in recent years for likely being a closeted gay man. He has been noted to have spent a lot of time with his Vice President in private and one time wrote a letter complaining of a lack of “gentleman company” when the VP was away on an embassy meeting. All that aside, the real reason he’s number 6 is that his VP was the Governor of Alabama for a bit which caused James to be biased against the abolition of slavery. That’s right, Buchanan was an advocate for treating human beings like property just because his “dick appointment” happened to own a few. This is honestly bottom behavior exemplified and he deserves to be on this list 100%.
5. Chester Arthur
This man is either a hit or miss. On one hand, his name resembles a nut, and he basically let his advisors decide what he was going to do almost 90% of the time. On the other hand, he was so apathetic that he didn’t even want to be president. Whether these facets equal top or bottom is up to interpretation, but I personally don’t like how he was basically a corrupt CEO, so I’m putting him here.
4. George H.W. Bush
Ok, this man is definitely a bottom. I mean, have you guys seen VICE? Not only was his vice president named “Dick,” but he also controlled most facets of the Presidency. We are talking about a man who literally got cucked out of the position of President of the FUCKING United States. Come on, this man is definitely a bottom, but not a huge bottom. I think what really sets off the bottom alarm is the fact that Dick Cheny is such an aggressive top. He tricked Bush into being a bottom, and by the time he realized, he was already being fucked.
3. Richard Nixon
Fuck Nixon. I hate Nixon. He started the war on drugs to lock up opposition and did watergate because he was insecure about people not liking him. The only thing he hated more than poor people was Communism, and that was because Communism made poor people. Kept saying he wasn’t a crook despite it being totally true. Total bottom behavior in my opinion and he would be in the number one slot if not for the other two fuck-heads ahead.
2. Ronald Regan
Ronald Regan was a total beta bitch boy. Man wasted a fuck ton of money on a shitty missle defense system that didn’t even fucking work and was named after an amazing movie series. He tried to stand up to Mikail Gorbachev by telling him to take down the Berlin wall and only succeeded because Gorbachev had a conscience. Also, he did some really racy shit as an actor and we’d have been better off if Arnold Schwarzenegger was the first actor-made-president elected.
1. Donny “the Dump” Trump
I mean, this man is the bottomest of the bottoms. If all of the presidents on this list made a man-sandwich, this man would be at the very bottom not even getting his G-spot tickled. I mean, we’re talking about the guy who throws tantrums when insulted and insults dead people because they can’t fight back. Plus, his wife is so cold towards him that you know the only ass he gets is the ass he pays for. Probably the most bottom thing about this man is how he acts like he’s a top. I mean, the man claims to be a certified genius but doesn’t understand that cars crumple to protect the people inside. He also talks about being tough on China, but is getting BDSM bare fucked by China after he started a trade war with them. Plus, there was that footage of Trudeau and his groupies making fun of him at a NATO gathering. This man is the equivalent of a doormat that says “don’t step on me.” Not only are you going to ignore it’s warning, but it’s almost impossible to not do the opposite of what it asks. Plus, the man likes Nazis. Who the fuck likes Nazis? He is at the absolute bottom of the bottom list, and to be honest, he did it to himself.