A new apartment building under construction at the corner of Johnson and Broom has gotten some of us students excited, with the enticement of sweet new affordable housing priced at just $1200 a month. Some idiots say that's too much. Here's why they're wrong, and how you too can afford $1200 rent as a student:
At least it's not $3000
I mean where I'm from, this is nothing! You all need to be grateful for what you're getting and quit complaining, because us Californians have it way worse!
Just borrow from your parents
This should be a no-brainer. Just hit up your tech mogul parents for some extra green. And I get it, not all of us have tech mogul parents – some of my best friends have poor shipping magnate parents – but even they have enough for rent. All of y'all need to use what you have!
Sell a kidney
You have two of them for a reason
Body Positivity, people!
I believe that each and every one of you is beautiful. And you should use that beauty to your advantage, if you know what I mean.
Just take out a loan
It's not like it would add that much to the loans you already have, right? Think of this as another investment in your future.
Don't live so lavishly
Just forgo with all of those opulent habits you’ve become so accustomed to.. Like three meals a day (two is enough tbh), a jacket for winter (it's not that bad outside), nights out (you stayed in your room for two years, what's an extra four?) (you stayed in your rooms for lockdown, you can keep that up!)
Sell a heart chamber
You have four of them for a reason
Learn to pickpocket
It's not a crime if you don't get caught
Get an extra roommate
I know they're 1-bedroom apartments, but sleeping on the floor is good for your back
Higher rent actually causes the city to become better
Look at Manhattan, San Francisco, and Singapore. They're all awesome cities! What do they also have? High rent! Higher rent means a better city. Get schooled. Madison will become better because of high rent.
As you can see, $1200 per month in rent is actually totally affordable. Follow these tips and you’ll be fine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up my Mercedes from the shop so I can go to Cento for the third time this week.