1. Make a Fake Instagram for Yourself
In the same way a significant other would if you actually had one, DM yourself frisky pictures. It’s a great reminder that you’re really in this all by yourself.
2. Crying in the Shower
They say people who are lonely take significantly longer showers. In an incredibly redundant fashion, shower yourself with both Wisconsin water and your tears this Valentine's day. Don’t worry about the shower being occupied, I’m sure your roommates will be out on dates!
3. Touching your Happy
If I have to explain this one, it means that you were not given access to adequate health courses in middle school. Your sexual ignorance is almost as sad as the fact that you don’t have a partner to love.
4. Giant Baked Potato
Replace your ex-boyfriend, Derek, with this hunk of starch. Potatoes and Derek are very similar: They are both fat and would rather get baked than spend time with you.
5. Weighted Blanket
I’m sure you saw this one on Shark Tank because you’re their target audience--single people with free Friday evenings. Curl up with a heavy-ass sheet and pretend its a hug. It’ll be the saddest mental exercise you’ve done since that one yoga class you tried freshman year.
6. An STD
Maintaining a relationship with your significant other is a whole lot of work! Almost as much work as trying to regulate a bad venereal disease. Use the time you’d otherwise devote for Tinder to make sure you pick up those antibiotics from Walgreens.
7. The Sweet Dispensation of a Mango Juul Pod
Want to be a little risky this V-Day? If so, hunt down a guy on Craig’s List who will illegally sell you some of this good-good. Get addicted to Nicotine the same way you developed an addiction for mediocre sexual partners.
8. That Thing you Found in your Mother’s Drawer
Oh no, mother, I didn’t forget about this! Once you figure out how to get it working, go to town. If you choose to partake in #6 on this list, please refrain or consult a doctor.
9. Anime Body Pillow
Be a Naru-HOE this Valentine's Day by snuggling up with an Anime body pillow. Sure, it’s creepy as shit, but you probably are too if you’re alone.
10. Makeout with your Bedpost
Pretend that your bedpost is that one Bachelor contestant that your friends made fun of you for liking. In the same fashion as the show, partake in some non-binding kissing. After all, your bedpost is just as emotionally disengaged as you are.
Ohhhh-weee. Pour me some Burnett’s and call it a night. Turn to substance when you can’t turn to a lover. Get it? Cause no one is next to you, you loner!
12. Antique Vase
You two will get along swimmingly! You’ve both been sitting alone in the same space for years and the only mention of your name is when your grandma shows a picture of you to her friends at bingo night.