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4 UW Songs That Don't Slap as Hard as Mr. Sandman

We all know there are some songs that just are UW, right? And we all know most of those songs are decidedly not bops. And they certainly aren’t as much of a bop as that 1958 classic, Mr. Sandman. So, in the spirit of being kind of a dick, here are the UW songs that don’t slap as hard as Mr. Sandman.

On, Wisconsin!

More like off Wisconsin, amirite? This song could not be less appealing if it was an 8 o’clock chem lecture on a Friday morning. I guess it’s called a fight song because it makes me want to fight whoever wrote this garbage. And you know who that was, Badgers? Some Gopher motherfucker from Minnesota! Fuck this song.


The only thing this dirge is good for is putting babies to sleep and burying those weird alumni who peaked in college and can’t get over it. Points for inspiring the lyrics to the greatest rock opera of the 21st century, Lady Gaga’s masterpiece “Bad Romance,” but other than that, this song is a snooze. Take it out back and put it out of its misery.

If You Want to be a Badger

I mean, come on! By the light of the moon, by the light of the moon? I know it was 1919, but had having more than twelve words in a song not been invented yet? Besides, what if there’s no moon that night? Huh? Huh? What then, weirdly repetitive and overly catchy jingle about rodents? Check and mate, motherfucker.

Jump Around

No. I refuse. I will NOT be ordered around by some fucking loudspeakers, + I most certainly will not be ordered to participate in any sort of physical activity. This is Wisconsin! Land of fried cheese curds + beer cheese soup! We will not be tricked into physical activity!

So, while you unsophisticated yokels are out moshing to mediocre ‘90s unhip-hop and getting stuck in the never-ending loop of the motherfucking moon, I’ll be at home, listening to the superior, sultry “bum bum bum bum” of Mr. Sandman. Fight me.


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