5 Ways to Break the Tension Between You & The Person Pooping In the Stall Next Door
By the second day of moving to campus, most freshmen are already all too familiar with the rarely discussed topic of bathroom anxiety. There’s no feeling worse than walking into a shared dorm bathroom that seems empty at first glance but upon a quick sniff, yep--there’s a silent pooper in the middle stall.
Fear not! This little encounter is actually full of wonderful possibilities. Instead of clenching your buttcheeks together (Was that a fart, or…) and turning right around, consider taking one of these five steps to ease the tension between you and your new best friend.
1.)Start a foot fight
You can see their size 14 Converses planted firmly on the linoleum floor under the divider between the stalls, mere inches away from your own dogs, which you’ve just slipped out of your Hey Dudes. You grip the toilet seat and start tiptoeing your bare foot towards theirs, gearing up for a “foot fight” that will surely make for a story worth sharing.
2.) Ask if this is a good time for a quick check-in
This one will probably work best if you are a House Fellow and the person next to you is one of your residents who you have yet to check in with this semester (Intentional Interactions are a bitch, by the way). If they say Yes, then you can knock out one of those pesky Interactions right there. If they say No, you can simply wait until they eventually flush forty-eight minutes later, at which point you will flush seconds afterward and follow them to their room to repeat the question.
3.) Ask for some toilet paper
Or better yet, omit the toilet paper part and just say, “Can I get a little help, here?” This lets them know that you’re open to the possibility of them wiping your ass.
4.) Ask for some toilet paper, but say, “Pwetty pwease?”
It would be hard enough to resist a question like that in the first place, but if it was spoken in a baby voice? Forget it.
5.) Start watching dragon porn at full volume on your phone
This one actually has yet to be scientifically tested. Misnomer staff have hypothesized that such a bold move might actually increase fecal output for both parties by 75%, when compared to a control of regular porn It is believed that the shock of the dragon element will surely relax the butt muscles in an uncontrolled but relieving manner.