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Buckingham Palace Scrambles After Realizing Stake Not Placed Through Queen’s Heart

The death of Queen Elizabeth came as a total shock to many. At 94 years old, most reasonable people assumed she had a long time left to reign. However, her life was cut short to the joy of many colonized people, and the despair of many bootlicking monarchists. Despite the tumult of her death, in the past month the world has largely moved on. A new ancient suspected pedophile has taken the throne, the remnants of the British empire continue to decay, and jokes about the Queen continue to be funny. However, for the staff of Buckingham Palace, a stunning revelation has left them scrambling.

“When we closed the ol bird up we thought we’d done it by the book! You know, string of garlic, cross on the inside of the casket, and all the right sigils drawn. But one of the interns realized yesterday we forgot the stake through her heart!”

Although not widely known to the general public, members of the royal family are bestowed with several unique traits due to centuries of inbreeding. Among things like a dislike of bright sunlight and an inability to enter without invitation, members of the royal family have the nasty habit of not staying in the ground.

“When Phillip died we had to stake him 3 times before he finally went down! And you wouldn’t believe the amount of holy water we went through,” recalled one palace guard assigned to the job of dispatching the late queen’s husband.

According to preeminent medical scholar Johnathan Van Helsing (no relation), the task of dealing with the late queen won’t be easy, “you see, when a royal dies, there is around a 50% chance of return as some variety of ghoul, goblin, or wraith, and getting a stake through the heart after this return is quite difficult.”

Although the task will be a challenge, the British knack for murdering just about anything should come in quite handy.


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