Look out, Madison! John Oliver is back, and Kevin Whitmore is ready to start shoehorning the things he learns on the overly pedantic news-comedy show into conversations that don’t merit it so he can sound educated and well-informed.
“I mean, obviously I think it’s important to be in the know about the world around me, both the profound systemic failings of the United States and, occasionally, elections in other countries,” said the sophomore. “And I just think I am so much better-informed than my peers, who just, like, read the mainstream news from whatever outlets are tailored to their views instead of really engaging in uncomfortable issues in a serious, thoughtful, not-at-all-interspersed-with-elaborate-stunts-and-celebrity-cameos-in-a-desperate-bid-for-ratings type way.”
Annoyed discussion-section classmates say Whitmore is even modelling his discourse style off the popular HBO show, often undermining serious discussions with overly-long explanatory comparisons, trying to make political points with pyrotechnics and interns in animal costumes, and using too many words to call people who disagree with him ugly, then accusing them of bestiality.
“If you call him on it,” said Whitmore’s friend Shannon St. Claire, “he’ll tell you John Oliver didn’t get where he is by pandering to a fanbase of affluent white liberals. He challenges people; he doesn’t just preach to people who already agree with him and need an excuse not to feel bad about not really paying attention or voting more than once every two years.”
When he’s not binging Last Week Tonight on YouTube, Whitmore can be found complaining about the intellectual inferiority of Jimmy Fallon viewers and losing debates with European exchange students he can’t believe know more about Brexit than he does.
“I mean, I’m not claiming to be an expert,” said a dumbstruck Whitmore after one of these encounters. “But I did watch all three episodes on it. Twice!”