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Campbell's Soup to Release New Alcoholic Seltzer

Sick days are expected to get even sicker in light of the recent innovation from soup powerhouse Campbell’s Soup Company. The company has revealed that they, too, will be wading into the waters of alcoholic water, known commercially as hard seltzers. Identifying a potential opportunity in the market, Campbell’s has released three new seltzer flavors: Chicken Noodle, Broccoli Cheddar, and Split Pea.

Company executive Chris Foley offered to comment on the news, expressing his excitement with the move and intent to further innovate this line of products.

“Everyone’s doing it,” burst a noticeably slurred Foley. “Everyone’s just making seltzers. We were all a few beers deep at the meeting and we decided people probably would buy ours, too.”

Upon hearing the news, UW sophomore and avid drinker Chet Kelly explained why he was particularly intrigued.

“The boys and I were fuckin’ amped. We were hungry and thirsty, right, so this made, like, a bit too much sense,” said Kelly, who had ripped off the top of his Split Pea seltzer and had begun slurping it with a wooden spoon. “My boy, Daker, said something super funny, he said, like, ‘now that’s what I call chicken soup for the soul,’ which was way funnier in his voice. Yo, Daker, come tell the reporter what you said about the soup,” at which point Daker got up from a nearby couch and repeated the aforementioned phrase.

The real market value, however, comes from the diversity of potential customer demographics. In a testament to this, Chet’s grandma, Dolores, offered her endorsement of the product.

“I was quite sick, and I’ve always said you should have soup when feeling a bit ill. Fortunately, my particular disease is this dang alcohol addiction, so I can really kill two birds with one stone, I reckon,” said Dolores.

Going forward, executive Chris Foley says the company has lots of ideas on where to take the product.

“We had this idea for alphabet soup that launched alongside a Twitter promotion to use the letters to make a message to your ex. I pitched my ‘Chunky Vodka Soup’ idea but everyone in the meeting was pretty wasted at that point,” said Foley.


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