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CDC Recommends Kissing Me with Tongue

After 2 long years, Dane county has lifted its mask mandate, leaving many to crawl out from the shadows, dazed, confused, and concerned for the future. Having been so integral to the fight against disease, and having been built up as the only way to receive moral validation from passersby on the street, many are hesitant to believe the liftings will stick this time or if they even are sound advice.

But never fear, citizens of Madison and the world. The CDC has released even more updated advice for those who want to continue to do their all against Covid-19. Kissing me on the mouth. With tongue, with like, a lot of tongue.

As more and more members of the community get their booster shots and produce the necessary antigens to fight off infection, it is recommended that a faster way to share these life saving antibodies throughout the community is to line up and lick my lips the way you always wanted to. If you are able to really get in there and scoop some of the immune system off the back of my throat, you might even be safe from shingles, but I haven't kissed a grandma yet–so the data's still out on that.

While this breaking medical science may sound far-fetched in this era of misinformation, it’s important to remember the only people you can trust is your government. Big Mask will lie to you and point out that the 7 day average for deaths is still 10 a week, but ignore them. They profit off your fear. The CDC says you need to kiss me, kiss me with tongue. Let our taste buds wrestle. Just fucking do it, gimme a smooch, just fucking KISS ME already. Why won’t you kiss me Shanon, what happened to us? Where did our love go? What happened to those two young fools on the road to Cleveland, you won't even meet my gaze anymore and that absence hurts more than anything my lungs could do. Just kiss me, please, with tongue.

Phew. Okay, had to calm down there, lost my cool for a sec. I’m just really dedicated to public health. You can find my kissing booth outside of the Kohl center at your earliest convenience.


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