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Doctors Discover Cheap, Lead-Based Cure to Transphobia




For as long as most people can remember, right-wing panics have been a fact of life. From the satanic panic to fears about gay marriage, middle-aged suburbanites love having something to be afraid of. Unfortunately, 2022 has not been spared by the relentless Facebook culture warriors, and trans folks have found themselves in the crosshairs. Despite making up a fairly small minority, the right-wing media has convinced itself that folks not vibing with their gender assigned at birth will be the end of civilization as we know it. Fortunately, a panel of medical experts has made a breakthrough in the treatment of transphobia.


“In our latest research, we discovered that 8-12 grams of lead delivered cranially provides a quick, long-lasting reduction in transphobic thoughts, feelings, and actions,” relayed our medical source who refused to be named on record. While this may seem like too simple of a solution, the data is quite convincing. When 20 fascists, TERFS, and other assorted bigots were exposed to Dr. [REDACTED]’s treatment, 100% of them no longer responded negatively to imagery and text discussing and depicting trans people. While this is a small sample size, it does point to a potentially valuable solution to the problem of transphobia.


While cranial treatment proved to be the most effective and permanent delivery mechanism for lead, Dr. [REDACTED] found several other applications effective. “Delivery to the heart, lungs, or kidneys also proved to be quite effective. Additionally, our research suggests that a topical application can also work well. Although the dose has to increase to around 2-3kg and multiple doses must be delivered in quick succession.”


Topical and cranial delivery can be tricky, especially with an unwilling patient, but unfortunately, other methods tested by Dr. [REDACTED] were not capable of reducing transphobic thoughts and actions in patients. “We thought oral doses of lead might have the same effect as kinetic delivery, but we actually found this increased transphobic tendencies due to the additional brain damage.”


This promising research could lead to real breakthroughs in combating transphobia with the power of medicine! There are substantial side-effects of treatment, but Dr. [REDACTED] assured us that these issues are “nothing that laying down a few tarps before treatment can’t solve.”


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