As the historic confirmation trial of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson progresses, Jackson continues to fall under scrutiny from conservative senators in Congress. Many internet sources have speculated that this is due to the fact that if confirmed, Justice Jackson would be the first Supreme Court justice who performed improv comedy while pursuing a degree.
Prolific anti-improv shithead senator Ted Cruz took a confident stride up to his podium this cloudy March morning, as Cruz’s conservative colleagues shifted excitedly in their seats. Senators Elizabeth Warren and Chuck Shumer were seen muttering prayers and holding back tears, respectively.
Cruz then produced what many have come to fear might be the nail in the coffin to Judge Jackson’s supreme court ambitions: a failed times table test from Jackson’s third year of public education. The document was preserved by Justice Jackson’s mother, along with all her report cards and art projects, which the Cruz team allegedly acquired by pretending to be nice people. While the Senate confirmation was in recess, Judge Jackson was asked her opinion on this newfound evidence.
“What? Why would that matter?” quoted the Harvard Alum. When asked directly if she thought this would lead to her not being nominated to the high court, Jackson scratched her head and said, “Why would it?”
Although the hearing will continue, this is seen as the most damning piece of evidence against a Supreme Court hopeful ever to come to light. An anonymous source close to Jackson reported to the us that, “This would be so much easier if she’d just sexually assaulted someone instead. People seem to be cool with that sort of thing around here.”