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Ebeneezer Scrooge Announced as New U.S. Economic Advisor

Last week the USDA announced a change to its program that would result in 700,000 people being taken off the SNAP food stamp program. When questioned about the push to remove so many people from the program so close to the holidays, they cited the idea from the newest economic advisor in the White House, Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Scrooge was tapped to be an advisor after a face to face meeting with President Trump at his Mar-a-Lago estates last spring. Scrooge reportedly was excited to take the position and had “a lot of changes to make.”

When asked what prompted Scrooge to produce such a hardline policy, Scrooge said “Well after about the fifth Christmas hearing Tiny Tim yell out, ‘God bless us everyone’ I decided poor people do actually deserve to die, and creepy ghosts be damned, that’s what I’m gonna spend the rest of my life doing.”

Scrooge has budgeted big plans for all the money he saved the government by selling out others' humanity, for example:

-Solid gold toilets in the White House

-Weekly banquets of food to be eaten in front of homeless shelters

-A brand new low-cost housing complex to be put up in a low-income neighborhood, and used to house his collection of monocles

“I think once you get past the people starving on the streets you will really start to see my side of things,” said Scrooge. “No more annoying little children telling you about the wonders of giving or why you should ‘be a good person’. Besides, have you ever had a golden shower, inside a shower of gold? There’s nothing quite like it.”


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