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Empowered Goose Breaks Border Barrier

The Canadian border, as we’re all painfully aware, has been closed for about a year now. There are very few exceptions, ranging from medical emergencies to an insatiable desire for cheap donuts. However, last we checked, the rules only apply to humans. And some nonhuman members of society have taken sweet, sweet advantage of this.

Greyling, a 13-year-old female Canada goose, was on her merry way from Wisconsin back north into rural Saskatchewan on March 1st. Like many 13-year-old girls, she was caught up in her appearance; she wanted people to notice as she flew seamlessly over the Pembina-Emerson border crossing without dropping a single feather. She did, however, want to drop something else.

It happened as the border guards, who are usually dealing with substantial Manitoba-bound traffic on Interstate 29, were busy playing Untitled Goose Game on the company computers. At precisely 4:37pm, Greyling, not presenting any travel documentary or proof of quarantine, simply soared over the border station unbeknownst to the attending guards and the one passing truck driver. Leading a crowd of fourteen identical geese in Ved-formation, she had the audacity to perch directly on the border crossing. A few minutes later, Greyling dropped a bird turd off the ledge.

To her pleasure, it landed directly on the left shoulder of Canadian Border Patrolman Harold Texerakis. “You fish-headed sky rat, eh! I should have seen that from fifteen metres away! If I had a gun I would shoot you, but this is Canada, and we don’t play with guns,” Texerakis called out, apparently not realizing that the Canadian border check was technically in the USA.

Greyling’s response was simply “Honk hawk honk hoooonk!” as she flew with her friends towards the wilds of Canada, having vanquished humanity and feeling very proud.

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