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ESPN Unveils Database to Project Possible Assault-Related Suspensions

Great news, fantasy football owners!

ESPN, the world’s leading provider in sports-related content, has disclosed that they are working on an analytical database designed to project a player’s likelihood to be sidelined by allegations of sexual assault, domestic abuse, or even other, more egregious debilitations to your fantasy team.

The system, per Executive Vice President Burke Magnus, will incorporate a blend of each player’s criminal record, character accounts from friends and family, 40 yard dash time, and a link to an alternate website which assesses the validity of each player’s affiliated charities.

The system, Magnus remarked, “will help address the disgusting, abhorrent reality of these players being awful draft choices.” Magnus even added that they were toying with adding a small icon of the angry emoji next to players with a particularly high score.

The news follows a trend of several NFL players being sentenced to, among other things, a barrage of criticism from Twitter users who drafted them, unaware of their penchant for malicious crime.

Most notably was disgraced wide receiver Antonio Brown, who was attacked online by OJ Simpson on account of costing him a high pick in his fantasy football league, but with no mention of any other wrongdoing. Brown joins a slew of recent fantasy busts like Kareem Hunt, Ezekiel Elliott, and Tyreek Hill, all of whom are guilty of ruining the game day evenings of alcoholic fathers.

The addition will make it easier for fans to weigh both morality and talent when constructing a team of players paid to concuss each other. Relatedly, when asked about adding a projective measurement for a player’s sustained concussive trauma, Magnus urged reporters to “go ask Bleacher Report or some shit.”


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