“Expect Three Dozen More Emails About Suspicious Packages Next Week” Says UWPD Police Chief

Following last week’s barrage of emails about suspicious packages around campus, students of all majors and backgrounds are eagerly waiting for one thing: “When can I expect the new suspicious package email to hit my inbox?” Well, have no fear, because we here at the Misnomer have the inside scoop for you.

After we were left in awe by the slew of emails last week, we got right to work diving into trying to figure out how many emails students can be expecting about suspicious packages. We gathered in our situation room, which just so happens to be a supply closet, patiently contemplating our next move in the wild west of suspicious package news on campus. We reached out to UWPD’s police chief almost immediately for comment, and after our fourth email explaining that we only wanted to know more about the volume of emails students could expect, they finally gave us an answer.

“Students can expect anywhere from two to three dozen emails throughout the next week concerning more suspicious packages” stated the UWPD police chief. “Our estimates are based on thorough testing, and students should be expected to be avoiding several large areas of campus simultaneously, throughout large chunks of the morning and afternoon.” The tests in question were found to have predicted four different suspicious events and packages to come within the next week, with a margin of error of at least 16. 

Now, dear reader, you might be wondering where this leaves you. Fear not, because we asked your fellow students what their plan was to tackle this issue. Paul Stickney, a first-year finance major, claimed, “I’m just gonna not go to class until all this passes, it’s really bad for my anxiety.” When we asked Paul about how often he went to class before the emails, we were hurriedly escorted out of his messy dorm room, with him mumbling the words “profits” and “costs” repeatedly as he cajoled us out. 

Other students are finding new ways to attend in-person classes in a hybrid format. Many are taping phones to Starships, leaving them in classrooms, and using them to navigate around campus. Some have even begun to pay for other students to risk their lives streaming classes on Twitch, much to their professors’ dismay. We here at the Misnomer are unwilling to compromise on safety, and ordered military-grade bomb suits for our senior writers, but were unable to buy any for underclassmen. Also, we really didn’t want to.

Some students apparently don’t enjoy the high volume of emails flooding their inboxes, arguing instead that we should have at most one or two warning emails and then a summary email about the events after they’ve occurred. UWPD has subsequently taken these delinquents in for questioning and expects them to be released within the next dozen or so business months. UWPD has made it clear that their goal is not only to keep the UW-Madison student body informed, but also to keep their inbox congested, in an effort to promote productivity and remind students to check their emails at all times, even during labs and exams. 

But as we receive these 30 or so emails over the course of the next week, we should be mindful to think about and thoughtfully read each one. We learned through our conversations that many of the emails will be identical copies of previous ones, and some will even contain links to malware, but analyzing these emails in-depth is vital to staying safe and up to date with campus events. So whether you’re keeping up a strong face and going to class despite everything, or hunkering down in your dorm till the wave of suspicious packages ends, we here at the Misnomer will be right by your side.