Every November a special holiday arrives to remind us of who we love, where we stand in the world, and what matters most to each of us. I’m talking, of course, about No Nut November.
It’s the challenge that forces us to reckon with who we really are.
Are you strong enough to last an entire month? How compulsive is your need to watch some guy with a bigger dick than yours rail a pornstar you’ll never have a chance with? Will even the 70-year-old auditing your class become attractive to you if you’re horny enough? No Nut November forces you to lay it all on the table.
For many, however, the idea of lasting an entire 30 days without punching the clown is simply insurmountable, and if you’re one of those people, that’s okay. If you failed No Nut November, you can always celebrate Yanksgiving.
Think of it this way: now that you’ve got nothing to lose, you’re free to spank your salami as much as you want. Take one day out of the year to just let loose. Be grateful for all the self-pleasure you can indulge in now that the allure of completing an out-of-control internet challenge no longer hangs over you.
You can beat it two, three, or even six times in a day if that’s what feels right for you. Just appreciate every tug like it’s your last, and when your grandma comes in and asks what that stuff is on the floor, just say it's the whipped cream from her pumpkin pie.