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Florida Shark Population Excited For Exotic Midwestern Cuisine

With hoards of UW students heading to Florida beaches for spring break, the entire Floridian community is preparing for a surplus in activity. However, one group is feeling a bit more jazzed than everyone else: the sharks.

Sharks in popular vacation areas have been sighted trying to time their attack to line up with the beat drop of the nearest beach-banger.

“I mean I’m not gonna go up to shore and snatch someone,” said a local tiger shark. “But if a guy in a Sconnie bro tank gets a little too tipsy in the water… I’m gonna shoot my shot”

The local sharks claim that nothing is quite as exciting as getting a taste of cheese-flavored Wisconsinite cuisine.

“Just because we’re sharks doesn’t mean that we don’t like Culver’s,” said a great white. “We kind of get sick of the healthy Florida food and are really pumped to get some pure lard in our system this week.”

One shark has been particularly vocal by saying that anyone being a little too rowdy is fair game.

“I just know that some guy named Zaq or Jaxon is going to cut themselves on a broken beer bottle, and what do you want me to do? Not go after blood in the water? That’s, like, our thing!”


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