Witte freshman Carl Barker was recently permanently banned from Gordon Dining and Event Center. He shared the letter with us, declaring that he is not permitted to enter within 50 feet of the building. Barker claims he did nothing wrong and doesn’t understand why he was banned. His pleas reached The Misnomer’s generous listening ears and resonated with our journalistic mission. However, upon our own investigation, we discovered that Barker hadn’t provided the full story.
Barker has been majorly crushing on Ogg freshman Maggie Berry, an employee at Gordon’s. Barker’s friend’s have described him as “down bad” and “having a major case of simp-itis.” His friend, Leo Brewer, recalled for us several interactions between Barker and Berry.
“There was this one time he held up the whole line–and cause it’s Gordon’s, it stretched all the way to Walgreen’s–because he couldn’t look that goth chick in the eyes and couldn’t stop stuttering. Then there was that one time she was working at the egg station and she asked him how he likes his eggs and he said, ‘Fertilized.’ You should’ve seen the look on people’s faces.
But then I think what really did it was when she was working at Delicious and he approached the counter. She asked him what protein he wanted on his sandwich and this dude deadass says ‘Your saliva.’ She wasn’t even fazed though. She just said ‘What?’ and he said, ‘Can you spit in my sandwich, please?’ and I swear he even called her his ‘gothy goddess’– the look on her face could have killed! She rolled her eyes, threw his bread on the ground, stepped on it, then handed it to himbefore helping the next guy in line. Carl said it was the best sandwich he’d ever eaten, even though it was just bread! We finished getting our food and as we were sitting down, this manager dude comes over and pulls him aside. Next thing we knew, he was being escorted out with a paper in hand.”
We spoke to Maggie Berry to get her thoughts on the situation. “Honestly, I don’t feel bad for him. For the record, I didn’t care that he asked me to spit in his food, it was the fact that he expected me to do it for free. I post the most mundane Tiktoks and I get hundreds of men calling me ‘Mommy” and begging me to step on them. I put my Cashapp in my bio and these dudes essentially pay my tuition for just existing. That kid from Gordon’s should have known better. I’d still consider running him over with a bus for the right price, though.”