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Freshman Placed on Probation After Hitting on Every Girl in Lecture via Canvas DM's


MADISON, WI - Alex Somerson, a freshman Economics major, has been placed on probation after messaging every single girl in his MATH 221 lecture on Canvas, sources tell the Misnomer. Several recipients of Somerson’s DMs reported it to the professor, who in turn reported it to L&S administrators. The vast majority of the messages contained bad pick-up lines in an ill-fated attempt to get a girlfriend.


Despite the awkward circumstances surrounding his predicament, Somerson was available to comment, saying, “I’ve noticed so many girls eyeing me up every single day in lecture. So I decided to shoot my shot, and then, I realized I could use Canvas to message people by class. Why go through the effort of learning all their names and finding them on Snap when I can just click every girl in the course list? And the more girls I DM, the greater chance one decides to go out with me”.


Somerson’s strategy did reach a vast audience. MATH 221 is a popular course required for many majors with around 300 people in Somerson’s lecture; in total, 124 people reported receiving messages on Canvas, although it is speculated that the true number is higher. A few of them spoke out about the experience. Maddy Peshgo, a freshman Biology major, told the Misnomer, “I’d never even heard of this guy before this happened. I didn’t know you could message people on Canvas until I got a weird notification that I had an unread message. He said something like, ‘I wish I were your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves’”.


According to his roommate, Luke Baldwin, Somerson’s outlandish behavior extends beyond the classroom. “He seemed normal enough when we started talking during the summer, and I thought I lucked out with a random roommate. Turns out I was very wrong. As soon as we moved in, he started talking about how I’d have to ‘clear out the room’ most nights because he’d be bringing a different girl back to the dorm every night. But whenever I come back at night, he’s just sitting there watching Sigma Wolf edits on his laptop.


Luckily, Somerson’s antics were dealt with swiftly by staff within the College of Letters and Sciences. One administrator, speaking under the condition of anonymity, told the Misnomer, “Unfortunately, this is not the first case we’ve had of a freshman with no game trying to hit on people in their classes, although I don’t know I’ve ever seen something of this scale before. Quite frankly, I didn’t even know Canvas messages were a thing until this incident. Usually academic probation is reserved for students with low grades, but in some cases, it’s warranted for other reasons. It’s not that he broke any rules, but he just needs to learn a lesson. It’s for his own good, really”.


The probation is expected to last one month and will be removed if Somerson does not attempt to flirt with anyone from the lecture. Administrators hope that Somerson’s punishment will deter any possible future offenders. To his credit, it doesn’t appear that Somerson has attempted to contact any more girls from his classes on Canvas or any other platform, but he was spotted hanging around Dejope with flowers last Thursday, so stay alert. In the meantime, the messaging feature on Canvas has been temporarily disabled, not that anyone was using it anyway.

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