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Freshman Unveils 20-Step Plan for Late-Term Personality Reinvention

Before she started her first semester of college last year, freshman Molly Duncan, 19, made a vow to be a completely different person than she was in high school. She planned to reinvent herself to be outgoing, well-liked, and smooth, instead of being her natural nervous, introverted, and generally lame self.

Unfortunately, in the chaos of move-in day, Duncan forgot to implement her new personality and has been waiting for the next elusive opportunity ever since. When asked about her blunder, Duncan teared up at the memory.

“I was so devastated. As soon as I said hi to the desk worker like some normie, I thought it was over, everything that I had worked so hard for.”

After using her normal personality while interacting with everyone on campus for several months, Duncan is excited to announce that she has created a 20-step plan designed to subtly modify her personality over the next 2 months.

“I couldn’t just switch it up out of nowhere. Then people would think I’m, like, a fake,” said Duncan.

On the specifics of her plan, Duncan insists that it is all very scientific. “I did hours of research and calculations. I’m going to get it right this time. For example, the first step is making slight, unique modifications to the everyday phrases I use. So for every 3 times that I say ‘How are you’, I use ‘Wus poppin’ that 4th time,” Duncan explained.

Duncan hopes that others in the same situation can feel inspired by her dedication, saying, “It’s never too late to be someone you’re not.”


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