Local sophomore Jamie Ellison has recently begun what he has pretentiously referred to as his “discovery of the world of podcasts” (much to the no-so-well-hidden chagrin of those around him). One of Ellison’s close friends, Lauren Hilton, told us that “Jamie should really also begin his discovery of the world of shutting the fuck up.” She asserts that getting into podcasts and shutting the fuck up are one of the classic duos, along with butter and popcorn, peanut butter and jelly, and Madison bars and minors.
“The thing is,” another of Ellison’s friends, Brett Horton, commented in an exclusive interview, “we’re happy that Jamie is getting into a new hobby. We don’t want to rain on his parade. But so help me God, if I have to hear about one more podcast I ‘have to listen to,’ just because some failed actor talked to their friends for an hour, I swear to God I’m going to withdraw from UW-Madison and reapply again and withdraw again and then reapply again. “No, I don’t have a Common App fetish, and I don’t even know why you would ask me that.” Horton refused to speak further.
Ultimately, it seems that Ellison refusing to shut the fuck up has caused those around him to stay about as far away from him as the UWPD does from actual crime. But he's staying positive. "I won't let them get me down. Besides, I don't need them. I have podcasts," Ellison asserted depressingly. Thankfully, not all students who attend major universities like UW-Madison have succumbed to the transition into pompous dipshits who think they know more than everyone else. To the dismay of his rapidly shrinking friend group, Jamie Ellison, it seems, has.