A local family has had to wrestle with the heart-wrenching news that their son, Bentington Charlesley, has self-diagnosed himself as ‘the right kind of athlete for a sport such as lacrosse.’ It’s a disease that, unfortunately, sweeps the suburban landscape each year, claiming thousands of teens who possess the arrogance of our society’s richest and the drug dependencies of our sickest. Bentington’s parents, Archibald and Marionette Charlesley, have advised him to undergo the typical medical procedures to rid himself of the disease. Advised rehabilitation practices include avoiding Fresca drinks, cancelling his Dick’s Sporting Goods membership, and taking away all of his tickets to upcoming pro-life rallies.
Bentington commented on the hysteria around his diagnosis, saying, “I don’t get it. I was too cool for golf and a little bit too flamboyant for hockey, so it’s not some mystery that I gravitated towards lax. The kids on the high school team said they would help me learn if I bought them weed, so there’s really no big deal. This is just more hogwash from the Big AntiLaxers lobbyists. Not chill.”
Meanwhile, his parents continue to grow increasingly concerned, holding themselves personally accountable for their son’s shortcomings.
“Archibald had no problem buying him all the Chubbies shorts he wanted. He has every flag that Barstool Sports sells. His father didn’t even think to debate him on buying a ticket to the Spikeball World Championships,” said Marionette, amid muffled sobs.
Bentington will be tested in a week’s time and if symptoms of lacrosse still emerge, he will be admitted to the Yale School of Business.