Holy Mackerel! New Fish Spawns on Monona

Dubbed a “modern miracle” by the UW-Madison Dept. of Limnology, a new fish has graced Lake Monona. First reported by ice fishers unable to ascertain its identity, the now-confirmed population of wahoo, a species of Spanish mackerel, have captivated the hearts and minds of ichthyologists worldwide. Wahoo, usually found in salty ocean waters, were not expected to survive or even make it to freshwater (for now, considering the road salt) Monona. The Misnomer reached out to Sommine Phischee, a limnologist at the UW, for further comment:

Misnomer: Usually, when we think of fish, we think of that Jesus bumper sticker. Why is that?

Phischee: Well, Jesus is a very popular guy. I don’t know what the sticker’s about --

No one does, it’s OK.

-- but I do think that this event with the wahoo could be called a cause for religion for many.

Let’s talk about the wahoo --

Let’s.

Please don’t interrupt me. Let’s talk about the wahoo. Why are they called that?

Well, that’s actually an unanswered question as of now.

What the hell are we paying you for, then?

You’re not. I asked if you could reimburse my parking and you cried. Full sob, on the ground.

…

…

Back to the topic at hand. Why is it that you were so surprised when you learned of the wahoo?

Well, to get to the lake, the wahoo, and not just one, but many, as we’ve recorded some staggering numbers, had to travel from the Gulf of Mexico --

The Gulf of America.

Fuck you and your mother. The Gulf of Mexico against the Mississippi current, up through the Rock River, and then up the Yahara to finally settle in Lake Monona. As a tropical fish, it endured and continues to endure conditions not at all conducive to its survival. It’s an incredible feat, and a confusing one at that.

Speaking of confusing, when you first got the call that there was a new fish, did you believe it?

The call was peculiar – a fast-swimming fish that can’t be caught just under the surface? It sounds like an urban legend. I was actually almost sure it was a prank call. But it wasn’t!

Do you think there could be concerns about your competence now that you’ve shown just how out of touch you are with us common people?

I am in touch with you and I can’t wait for the day I’m not.

Ditto. Last question planned -- what’s the future look like for these fish?

Last question scribbled on your Wendy’s napkin, you mean. We’ll be looking in other lakes along the Mississippi for them.

And with a slam of the door, she left. Good goddamn riddance, the annoying bitch. In lieu of further expert opinion, the Misnomer went straight to the source – interviewed at a fishing hole near John Nolen Drive, the elusive wahoo broke its silence.

Misnomer: Hello. It’s such a pleasure and an honor to meet you. 

Wahoo: Wahoo!