It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: manderbation. All politicians do it once in a while, but it’s a slippery slope that can take over if you’re not careful.
Recently, Jeremy Halstead, a political science major attending rectoral college, had to go cold-eagle from any type of manderbation. In an interview, Halstead revealed more details on his brave decision to quit “you know, I thought I had it all balanced out, but honestly I really didn’t… and it left my ballot, you know, red, blue, and star spangled. The doctors said that they had never seen such a severe case of patriotism. And honestly, it was time I drew the line”. His girlfriend, Linsey Hopkins agreed, describing it as looking “like a tread-on snake”.
Halstead is now in recovery from his manderbation habit and seeking medical treatment for his damaged dictator, leaving us with a glimpse of hope. “I think a much safer solution for me is this thing called garrymasturbating, which I will be doing until my district heals fully.”