As temperatures rise, Americans fear the seasonal return of their sweaty, sweaty assholes. While swamp ass itself cannot be avoided, if done correctly it doesn't have to be all bad. Thanks to the rapid decay of America's wetlands due to unfettered capitalism, the EPA has announced the National Wetland Recertification Project (or NWRP). This will loosen the definition of wetlands in order to bump those numbers back up and avoid mockery at the Paris accords. While most clientele will be corporations putting in fake ponds, according to sources in the government, everyday citizens will be allowed to register their sticky booties and get a sweet tax break. This is thanks to the tireless work of Dr. Jordan Smythe, a senior researcher who argued the conservational qualities of the human ass have been long underappreciated in the environmental science field.
In order to get your piece of the pie using your slice of pound cake, you just need to call the EPA’s office of water resources at 202-564-3750 and tell them you want to register a wetland under the Smythe protocol. Dr. Smythe will then set up an appointment where he will fly to your location and perform piezometric tests to determine the flow and hydroperiod of your swamp ass. If your butt is moist enough for a piece of looseleaf paper to stick to it, then you may qualify to register it as a non-continuous national wetland and receive a conservation steward tax break of $15 each month of the sweating season.
Dr. Smythe says he was inspired to force federal policy change after realizing his own ass swelled worse than anything human could; therefore, it likely had exotic bacterial cultures. With bacterial ecology all the rage in loser circles, and the Biden administration desperate for a win, he knew his time had come. He really convinced Congress by attending his testimony in assless chaps and asking if they would be willing to pay him to keep his butt under wraps.
Thanks to the work of the bold scientists in our EPA, America has more wetlands than ever, and citizens are more involved in conservation than ever before.