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How to Turn Friendsgiving into More-Than-Just-Friendsgiving: Fucking a Turkey



The holidays can be a rough time for many people. The emphasis on friends and family can remind sad losers of how alone they are. Freshman Jack Gholber found a unique way of beating the holiday blues.


Jack is originally from Ohio and will be unable to return home for the short break. Therefore, he relied on Friendsgiving as a supplement until he realized he is a pre-Pharmacy major and has no real friends. Faced with a night alone with his thoughts, and prompted by a 4 pack of  pumpkin spice White Claws and “No-Nut November,” Gholber concocted an unusual plan.


“So I bought the turkey cause I figured, c’mon Thanksgiving’s gotta have a turkey, but it’s just me, and I don’t actually eat meat, so I never got around to cooking it. Well, by the time I was 3 Claws in, that turkey was starting to look pretty good, but not really in an eating way, ya know what I mean? My head was like ‘Hey man, skin is skin, you got any better options?’” 


Gholber then checked all 6 of the dating apps on his phone, as well as Ebay, to see if he had any better options and confirmed that he most certainly did not. He set to work seducing his turkey.


“Badgers get consent you know, so I had to earn it. Broke out the febreeze, used my phone as a candle light, even got out my fancy code red mountain dew. Me and the turkey had a nice dinner, good conversation, but here’s where I admit it gets a little weird. After dinner and another Natty, I… well, I fucked a raw turkey. It wan’t my proudest moment, but I gotta say, also not the worst sex I’ve ever had...”


It was after the event that Gholber started to worry about salmonella and possible poultry to human STD’s. After 2 hours on WebMD and multiple Furry discord sites, Gholber decided to go to the emergency room at Community Memorial, where he was taken care of by Dr. Maralene Singh.


“Yeah, you would hope this kinda stuff wouldn’t be as common as it is, but I guess the holidays just bring it out in people... fuck I hate my job” said Singh. 

1 Comment


Hamperion Sma
Hamperion Sma
Nov 24, 2019

Then Greg went back to his dorm and took a Pilgrim’s poop. Ban Thanksgiving.


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