With finals approaching, the state of UW’s collective mental health situation has transitioned from the “live fast, die young” mentality, to the “if my parents find out I have a D in chem 109, I’ll actually die young” mentality. Things are getting tense, stakes are high, and everyone wants to cry. But you know who’s also getting high? Humanities students, because they’re not nearly as stressed out as these STEM motherfuckers. Kelly Smith, a history major, was well aware of this fact when she pretended to be stressed for the sake of her deteriorating chemical engineering roommate, Karen.
“ I mean, the holiday season is all about giving, so I saw this as my one good deed for December.” Smith said. “I noticed that Karen was stressed out and thought it would make her feel less alone if I pretended to also be dying.”
Smith explained that it was difficult to fake stress. “When Karen was crying into her textbook, I’d go into the bathroom and splash water on my face so that when I entered the room, she’d ask why I was crying. I’d answer with something like ‘I’m just so worried about my lab,’ or ‘I’ve done 79 problems and STILL don’t understand anything.’ The moment Karen realized I was also on the brink of drowning myself in Lake Mendota, her face lit up and her mood completely changed. I’m so glad that I could make her feel better through contriving this faux pain.”
As exams grew closer, Smith elevated her acting game. “I noticed that Karen was attempting to pull all-nighters, so I decided that I would stay up with her. It’s now been four days since I’ve slept and I can feel my heartbeat in my throat...but I know that this will help Karen in the end.”
Karen, shared her perspective on the situation. “ I’ve been so extremely stressed with studying for my Chem, Bio, Calc, and Botany exams. But I have to say, I’m definitely not as stressed out as my roommate. Who knew history was so hard? And to think, I was considering changing my major to history. After seeing what Kelly is going through, I don’t think that I can withstand that pressure. The other night, she came into the room sobbing about not understanding the 79 problems she was assigned. I didn’t even know that there were things to solve in history. I really feel bad for her, I hope she finds some time to sleep soon.”