In a rare move last week, President Trump asked a turkey to pardon him before Thanksgiving Day.
After receiving his spray tan and completing his daily ritual of screaming at the top of his lungs while masturbating to a picture of himself, the president promptly shot-gunned two Monster energy drinks, took his morning bath salts, and marched out to the White House lawn where he was greeted by a large tom turkey.
“Look,” Trump said in between cocaine sniffs. “I’ve been pardoning Thanksgiving chickens for years. Nobody pardons chickens better than me. I pardon them so well. Now I think strongly that it’s time for one of them to pardon me. Because if I’ve done such a great job, then I think I deserve to stay out of prison. Who cares that I don’t pay taxes and let the Russian mob fuck me sideways? At least Putin lets me call him Daddy. My real father never did.”
Trump appeared to become distracted from the subject matter of his press conference as he began manically shouting “I’m not a loser,” at the sun before staring for an uncomfortably long period of time at close up photos of Ivanka Trump in yoga pants on his phone.
The president then shifted his attention back to the bird in front of him, continued to beg for his freedom from legal action and removed his blazer to reveal a “free Ghislaine Maxwell,” t-shirt.
“Anyway, if people start asking questions about my friendship with Jeffry Epstein, please just tell them ‘gobble, gobble, gobble,’” Trump asked the turkey as it attempted to run away from the president. “It’s funny because ‘gobble, gobble, gobble’ is also the noise I make when I put my face in between a Saudi dictator’s ass cheeks. So yeah, just do that.”