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Inflation Woes: Sorority Sister Discovers She Has ADHD After Swapping Cocaine for Adderall

As the cost of living continues to rise, wages not quick to follow, the burden that everyday Americans bear grows larger.

One such American is Ally Johnson, a sorority sister at Phi Omega Kappa, who has had her fair share of troubles over the past few months. “I joined Phi Omega Kappa for one thing, to get fucked up. We’re like hella infamous around here for doing and taking anything whether it be orally, nasally, or intravenously.”

Like many Americans, Johnson has been struggling to get her fix as prices for under-the-counter drugs continue to skyrocket. Many Americans now face the harsh reality of going to family reunions, weddings, and even work, completely sober. Ally has had a somewhat different experience.

“It all started when I went to the doctor's office. The plan was that I would go and pretend that I had some, like, super ADHD in order to get a shit ton of Adderall for me and the girls. It was weird though, the screening test was like, super hard.”

Other Americans are starting to jump through similar hoops to get the goods. An increase in glue sales and mushroom related ER visits shows that we are only just beginning to see what the war for drugs has in store for us. Paul E. Bar, currently in his third year at Wisconsin School of Business, had this to say about the current state of illicit drug trade:

“It’s been real bad out there man, and it’s the same story we’ve been hearing everywhere: supply chain issues. The extreme little plastic baggy shortage has seen devastating effects on Columbian cocaine, the shovel shortage has all but crippled the Mexican-American drug tunnel infrastructure, and submarine captains have been retiring at an all time high. Overall, I would say that drug lords have a lot on their plate right now.”

As is so often the case, global economic fluctuations end up taking their wrath out on the little guy, the effects of which Johnson is still reeling from. “I’ve been so freakin’ productive. I hate it. After starting Adderall I’ve been beginning to pay more attention in class, I can hold normal conversations with strangers, and I’ve been able to watch NASCAR. I don’t think I can take it much longer; I just want a break from improving my life.”

So how much longer can we expect inflated drug prices? According to Paul E. Bar, “I don’t see the situation improving for another 6 months. The drugs are out there, they just can’t make it to consumers orifices fast enough.”

“I used to be a powder princess, but now I’m just some Aderall Annie” concluded Johnson, who at this point in our conversation was on the verge of tears. “I just want to get back to ruining my life like I used to.”


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