The world has long prayed for peace in our time, and those prayers have finally been answered. The Secretary of Defense has released a statement this morning announcing a withdrawal of all American forces from any foreign engagement. It is said this stunning new policy comes out of President Biden’s commitment to a better world, as well as his inability to walk up the steps to the Pentagon.
President Biden had attempted to attend the regular war meetings, and continue the American tradition of drone striking school busses with impunity, but found he was unable to cope with the five steps leading into the building.
“At first we were happy to wait for him,” General Mark D. Kelly said. “But after the 4th week or so of watching him crawl into the building like a wounded sloth… well, lets just say killing civilians stopped being as much fun.”
Faced with his staff’s pity, Biden was forced to give in and actually make people's lives better, cancelling all American military operations so that he would never have to face the entrance to the Pentagon again.
We reached out to President Biden for comment, but unfortunately his phone was left on the second floor.