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Kate, Put the Damn Iced Coffee Down, You're Not Wearing Gloves

Dearest Kate,

It is December in Madison, Wisconsin. It feels like I am trapped in a frozen tundra. It is so cold out that my hands have disconnected from my wrists and they are crawling behind me. My legs feel like rubber bands, and not the nice kind, I’m talking Staples brand bands. My mouth is completely frozen shut. If I were to lick a flag pole right now (and trust me Kate, I’ve considered it), I would lose both my tongue and what remains of my dignity. But let’s talk about you, Kate. All pimped out in your Canada Goose, lookin’ like you’re ready to partake in the goddamn Iditarod. You look equipped for the weather, Kate...or do you? You see, Kate, I saw you walking from Starbucks today with a Venti iced coffee. Venti...not a grande...not a tall...VENTI. That’s one large coffee, Kate. Are you trying to stay awake until February? What’s your deal? Kate it is Venti, Venti cold out. My main point is that you were holding this big-ass iced cup of Joe without gloves. It’s 11 degrees and you’ve voluntarily chosen to hold a cup of ice. Ted Cruz has made wiser decisions, Kate, and that’s saying something. This is a man who tweeted a photo of a cow made out of butter.

What are you trying to prove, Kate? What game of resistance are you playing? Are you training for The Amazing Race? I don’t see your teammates. Are you moving to Alaska? Who are you, Sarah Palin? Are you bored? Let us know, Kate. Hypothermia does not discriminate between the weak and the strong. You can carry that iced coffee all you want, but at some point, Jack Frost is gonna getcha, and the man shows absolutely no mercy. So, Kate, I beg of you: Put the damn iced coffee down, you’re not wearing gloves.


A concerned and cold Wisconsin student


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