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Local Man Learns Jury Duty Not Good Place to Pick Up Chicks

Updated: Sep 15, 2021

When Madison resident Terrence Quinn was called in for jury duty, he decided to make the best of a bad situation, and see if he could be found by a jury of his peers to be both not guilty, and breedable.

Mr. Quinn’s plans sadly did not come to fruition, as he learned there is the occasional difference between Bachelor in Paradise and Dane County Case #0231479.

Quinn’s first obstacle was the fellow peers called upon by the state. With late August being the moving season for every Madison resident under the age of 30, the only available jurors were selected as a day event for Avalon Assisted Living and Memory Care.

“A couple of the grandmas looked pretty limber I won’t lie” states Mr. Quinn. “But the thought of getting down and dirty on a plastic wrapped couch was a pretty good mood killer.” The only viable candidate for Mr. Quinns affections turned out to be 33-year-old assistant district attorney Alice Gutierrez.

While Mr. Quinn admits that a public indecency case was not the romantic setup he had hoped for, he was not willing to give up on his pursuit of love and prepared to use the jury questioning stage as his chance to win her heart.

“I watch a lot of legal dramas on NBC, so I knew what to do. I really stressed that I have a troubled legal past, but I wanted to be her future alcoholic ex-husband more than anything in my life,” said Mr. Quinn.

When asked about how she felt about the advances, the office of Alice Gutierrez Esq. responded with a cease and desist letter, and a threat to add the Misnomer to the pending restraining order against Mr Quinn.


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